2010

While I wrote a few months ago about how blessed we are by Christ (which we are) (read here), in reality, I was on a high. Not drug induced, but I was really excited in the present moment about my connection to Christ and what all he had done for us. But right now, I feel low. The high is not currently "toked." In reflection of 2010, I feel like I have a lot more questions for God and his doings... my main question is "Why?"

I feel like 2010 was a year of difficult lessons, A year of pain and misunderstanding, and so much of it will blend into 2011. When the year ends tonight at the strike of midnight, all that happened doesn't just go away in the 2010 archives of our lives. The happenings blend over into 2011 and perhaps even the years to come. Why?

Lets start with some GOOD lessons learned:

1. We bought a house. Best financial decision of our lives so far and we are extremely grateful to all parties that assisted us in making home ownership a reality.
2. We remodeled our new house WITHOUT GOING INTO DEBT. Holy crap--it still feels weird. I guess I owe Obama a thank you? Nah.
3. Speaking of Obama--Adam works for the federal government which is proving to be awesome. Thank GOD he doesn't work for the state of California as we may have even more listed in the "Why?" section below.
4. Lucy is the joy of our lives and while she just celebrated turning 2 yesterday, there is nothing "terrible" about her. 
5. I have a great job that allows me to work from home and stay home with Lucy! I didn't even know this time last year the difference it would make in her flourishment and our family bond.
6. We have our health; we did experience illnesses and even a surgery, but we are overall healthy and well fed.
7. We have a loving extended family of friends! Our friends are so dear to us, near and far, thank God for facebook ;)

Ok, now the lessons (un)learned that I still have "Why?" attached to:

1. I worked in an office this year that made me sour. My faith was not strong enough to keep me positive or a good friend. I burned some bridges and I don't know why that was necessary. Couldn't I have just stayed the "good" person I was and not injured people along the way? Who I was makes me ache and I hate her, but I can't shake her.
2. A dear friend died about a month ago at the age of 25. She was a mommy of an 18-month-old sweetheart. Why would God leave a child motherless and expose her friends and family to such painful grief? There are SO many "whys" that surround this event, that it hurts. And so many of them are selfish! Ha! Can you believe it? What's with me?
3. Another dear friend has an ill son and with every glimpse of healing, he is stricken with another ailment.  Her last blog was titled 'How Much Longer, Lord?' Nothing seems as difficult as what she has to deal with everyday and yet I complain. Where's the sense in that?
4. Pregnancy sucks. Not really, I guess... but talk about uncertainty. NO, I'm NOT pregnant. But for months we try to achieve the one task that our bodies are created for (some of us longer than others), and then once we are blessed with the gift of life growing inside of us, we worry for 13 weeks if the pregnancy will be "viable." And then some of us move on to the 2nd trimester triumphantly, relieved from our morning sickness, while some of us grieve from loss and the babies that "didn't make it." What the heck? I HATE miscarriage. And I HATE when my friends have to suffer through it. What kind of crappy lesson is learned from THAT?  But just because you've made it to the 2nd trimester doesn't mean you're in the clear. There is so much that can happen! (Perhaps if you're currently pregnant you don't want to be reminded). My best friend has placentia previa and has a 20 month old and a 3 year old. She can't even hold her son when he needs her (she does because she's a good mommy), but jeez... it sucks! And then there's the birthing process... My view is not always so dismal, but it is heavy on my heart to ask WHY such a beautiful and necessary survival skill SUCKS so hard.
5. We may not have gone into debt for the house remodel, but there is some debt attached to our medical bills--is that a NECESSARY thing to have hanging over our heads?

Why? Seriously, what lessons are there in these that we couldn't learn in a less painful way?
Christ is the ultimate healer.
Without Him there is no hope.
But in a year that seemed so hopeless, what are we to expect for 2011? A second coming? Crap, my heart is not ready for that.
My heart is heavy.